Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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