The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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