I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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