I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
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