I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
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