So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
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