Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
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