we have officially lost it.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
