If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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