I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
