Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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