Is it normal to miss your booty call?
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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