mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Randomize
