I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Boobs speak an international language.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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