dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
