I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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