Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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