i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
