Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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