God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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