There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
