I love black thongs
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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