he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Randomize
