Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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