I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Randomize
