Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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