I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Randomize
