Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
