also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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