Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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