I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
