its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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