Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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