My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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