He uses pillows to masturbate.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
