and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
