It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
