I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
