party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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