Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
