I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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