So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
