Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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