I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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