Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Randomize
