I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
