If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
