I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
