Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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