i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
