Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
