I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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