Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
