Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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