It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
No...this little piggys going to the bar
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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