He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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