I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
